You know I always wondered ‘what if’ this happened, especially in the past. I would be a very different person compared to when I was a child. I miss that little person, the person who was always happy and felt safe all the time, who was loud and annoyed people but still made them smile at the same time. Thinking back I think everything changed when I was about eight or nine years old. Parents marriage didn’t work out, and I always thought, what if it did work. I know it will never happen but it always has been in the back of my mind.
I have to admit I struggle with anxiety and severe paranoia issues, I hide it in public and I feel like I’m on my own. Nothing really matters anymore but I realise that everything can’t be perfect and I have gained qualities that can benefit my life. It’s hard to explain but everything is okay for now, hopefully forever. I’m pretty sure I’m emotionally disabled but I do feel emotions sometimes, I just never convey it. It’s a good thing as I receive rejection as less harsh and I don’t stress as much. People say I need to see a counselor but the only person that can help is yourself, in my case myself, you are the only one that can make a difference in your life. In saying that one of the most important things in life is self respect, others being love etc.
I don’t think what if is the real question to be asked now. In my mind now I ask ‘what now’ There is not really a point to question the past when the present is staring in your face. We can make a difference, it’s just a matter of doing.